“Everything will be alright!”
I just wanted to hear these four words. But no one was there to say it to me. I was crying and crying and at one point my tears stopped supporting me too.
This happened last year, when some people tried to ruined my reputation by misrepresenting my videos all over the social media. I did not care at first, but when people started complaining about my videos to my parents and started giving them hard time, then, things started hurting me as well. I tried to stop rumors about me but I was unsuccessful. Everything was breaking into pieces and my trust for my friends and people I know was falling apart. It was like someone is stabbing me and I could not even ceased that person to stop hurting me so.
I’m the person who is full of positivism and lives the best of my life. No one can easily hurt me. I can be physically weak, but I’m definitely mentally and emotionally very strong. I wanted to be happy and to live my life without hurting anyone. I tired a lot to be nice but somewhere something was making others insecure. Their insecurities turned into hate for me. They could not accept my success and they did what they should not have done to anyone.
I was at work, everything was smooth but their was something in my mind which was killing me deeply. After work, I went to grab coffee and I saw three random guys were looking at me and laughing. As long as I reached home, I was depressed, couldn’t find any way to heal myself. So I had to call 911. The officer asked me what happened to me. “I don’t know, I don’t wanna live here anymore”. Door knocked and there were two police officers. They asked me questions why I’m behaving like this. When they could not help me, they took me to the hospital. I was at emergency. Stayed there for 15-16 hours, not even a single person on this earth had any idea where I was. I was crying and crying and crying. I had no one with me, not even a single person expect the security guard who was confusingly staring at me like he wanted to know what happened. I was out of my mind wanted to file a case against some people under cyber-bullying. But my heart stopped me again. As I was thinking about their families, how would they feel. Also, I can not see anyone in trouble because of my actions. Today, when most people ask me what happen to me and how come I lost so much weight? I, honestly, can not tell them what kills me. It’s been almost 10 months now and I still shed tears.
It took me years of hard work and good deeds to earn a good reputation which was ruined by some people. I’m still trying to recover myself, I still cry when I remind the time I spent in those day all alone with anxiety and mistrust and suspenses. My nights were restless. I was saying “I am fine” but every I said this in those days were a big lie. People trusted my lies but they never tried to look behind those fake smiles. They never wanted to know the real me.
Now, I am rude and mean. I never wanted to be this one but you made me. I am not sad about it, I am happy being fake. But I still miss the nice me. I still love everyone and everything this universe gave me. I am happy that I’m alive and I have so much love and kindness for everyone. I do not hate anyone, I can not hate anyone.
Depression kills us, I killed myself at one point. Although, I recovered myself without anyone’s help. I think I am strong, more than anyone can assume about. If I do not give time to you, including my friends, family and colleagues then I’m sorry I am not in a situation to hold your hand and walk with you anymore. I have learnt walking alone. I believe I have choose a different direction now. A few people and a lonely life.